Having someone else for once in my life there to unconditionally love me and hold me together is so refreshing. Such an unknown feeling but I don’t ever want it to stop. All of my life I learned to be independent and never to depend on others. I learned that nothing is ever consistent and everyone…
god i can’t wait for you to be back. these weeknights spent without you are too much. i know we’re only two hours and four weeknights apart but those two hours between our cities and those four days apart are the hardest four days every single week.
cuddling usually has cycles, it’s like this-…
I want you to be the love of my life. I want you to be all mine. I want to make you feel like the most special person on earth… like the sun rises for you and only for you . I want to be the reason you smile everyday.I want you to be my motivation. I want to kiss you and hold you tight and whisper ” I love you” in your ear every night. I want you to fall asleep in my arms for the rest of your life. I want you to gently kiss me and tell me I’m special to you. I want to make love to you like it’s my last day alive. I want you to gasp in my ear and moan in pleasure. I want to hold your hand. I want to hold you when you cry. I want to fall asleep to the sound of your voice. I want to write poems and make music for you. I want to love you and I want you to love me until the end of time.
I remember my arms across your pale chest holding you tightly in my embrace
I remember interlocking fingers as our hearts beat as one, as well as feeling overwhelmed by what I perceived to be the most powerful physical,mental, and emotional connection I’d ever felt.
Moments. moments that replay in my mind until exhausted.Moments gone forever; moments that ironically seemed everlasting .
how nice it felt to know that our love needed not the use of words to be felt. we both felt it.
I do. Always…
so why not teach me then.. Teach me to lie the way you do, sharing beautiful thoughts .. Such lovely hollow words. Hollow.
teach me to forget and let go and shut down the way you always so easily did.
I can’t explain why you’re so deeply rooted in my mind or why my heart is so set on the idea of us.
Why are you my last thought every night and my first thought every morning?
I dreamt of you 21 out of the 30 nights of April and now 13 out of the 17 of May. It hurts to have to keep track of this shit for a therapist who could honestly care less. Out of all this though I developed a deep love for sleep. I sleep then dream, and when I dream it’s always of us. I get to spend all my time by your side, make you smile, hold your hand, hear your voice, you allow me to love you profusely and unconditionally but most of all you love me back and you’re sure of your feelings. I smile. I smile at all this but the smile only lasts as long as my dream does. Give me anything to induce sleep and I’ll take it. Seriously anything because its the only way and its all I have to work with. I wake up miserable every morning . somedays I can’t fight back the tears as I get ready for another long day. When I sleep I can live in my fantasies. I can escape to a safe place… but as soon as my eyes open, reality mocks me. However at times my dreams become nightmares. 8 out of 34 nights I’ve had this same dream. I dream of showing up to your wedding years from now with too much alcohol in my veins only to wish you happy life with painful torn up smile on my face. It’s devastating to watch your only love deciding on another. you look breathtaking though in that white dress and your wedding reception is beautiful. I approach you and tell you how i regret letting myself loose you, and you simply laugh. you laugh and respond “you cant loose what you don’t have to begin with”…Ouch. You say ” I was never yours, she held my heart from the start”. I realize it was never a fair fight. I was always at a disadvantage. i never measured up to her in your eyes because you’d always loved her. And i know for certain you’ll always choose her. Tears fill my eyes, feeling stupid and cheated the way I have from the very first month we were together… and as I turn to walk away she stops me only to ridicule my feelings. I see that prideful grin on her face as she enjoys the sight of me wrecking. she hands me a gun and holding hands you both laugh …encouraging me. Tempting my instability. My hands shake but the steel tastes right in my mouth, my finger plays with the trigger and suddenly i stop crying, im not afraid, and your laughter no longer hurts. i pull the trigger and wake up sweaty, breathless,with chest pain, and watery eyes but relieved that reality is on my side for the night.
god and tell me why I still buy you flowers,… Every week sometimes twice a week, i cant help but waste money on flowers for you and then talk myself into not sending them. Sun flowers and pale pink roses sit on my bedside and then wither away in the stale air of my room. I feel myself withering away with them. Then i throw them away, and sometimes I set them on fire and watch them burn.
I can still feel your skin against mine
I can still smell the mixture of makeup, burnt hair, ciggs, coffee and cheap perfume you wore
I can still savor the taste your lips
asphyxiate me with love . after all …always my little girl right? More than halfway there and we decide to turn around. Why? Why’d you want so badly to leave…I tried to give you my all but after you took my all i still felt short of what you wanted. Maybe I have little to offer and maybe I’m pretty fucked up but unlike you i never excuse my actions with that. Don’t justify yourself. Don’t use your traumas and mental issues to treat people like shit, do fucked up things, and hurt anyone who stands too close. It’s not right. not that you care, but if the people you’ve hurt went out of the way to hurt you back the same way you’ve hurt them you’d be devastated. It’s wrong. I can’t understand how you’ve been able to do some of the things you’ve done. I’ll never understand how someone can live so tranquil knowing how much pain they’ve inflicted on multiple people’s life. Most of all I’ll never understand what I did to deserve all this. I’ve done some bad things but I can’t deserve this…. no one does.
So frustrating to think how much I still love you and care and miss you and how much I still long for you, and your embrace, and our relationship.
Then I think of her. She’s perfection. the way you always were too. shes pure, beautiful, loving caring, compassionate, bubbly, and passionate… Attractive., physically and as a person. I’m attracted to her and she’s attracted to me too. Not just aesthetically. And so it feels incredible, I couldn’t remember the last time I truly felt reciprocated. She touches me in a way no one has …like I’m the most beautiful person she’s seen. Like i deserve affection. I feel liked,appreciated, and recognized. Wow. Feels so good really. Our lips meet and my mind clears and I want to make the kiss last because as soon as the moment passes, the mess in my mind returns. And I laugh. She makes me laugh a lots. We’re together and I smile so effortlessly the way I haven’t been able to for months. The demons that’ve come to life within me want to consume her. But the last shred of humanity in me does not want to burden her or drain her the way I drained you entirely. She reminds me of who I used to be and that really good part of me surfaces when I’m by her side. Selfishly I want her to myself. I don’t want to share her. I want her to stay and be just mine and stay by me while I heal. I’d give her everything I can. Honestly he’s probably better for her, he’s probably less trouble, and he very well probably deserves her more than I do . But I need her more and I’ve wanted her since we met and I do have the potential to be good for her. What i don’t want is someone who’ll only be with me at my best I want someone who’ll stick by me until I reach that point of being the best version of me. The way I tried so hard to do for you.
I long for her touch which brings me peace, the comfort in the warmth of her body, and the light that encompasses her presence. Her voice brings me comfort. I wait for that day she’ll whisper “I’m yours” in my ear.
I don’t know at what point I fell so low.
When did I change and become this?
Where did the serenity I held in my mind disappear to?
Who is Valerie nowadays?
A stranger to myself.
Why do I quit and run away from everything?
Why can’t I finish anything I start?
Why do I obsess?
Why am I doing all the things I tried so hard to get you to stop doing?
Why am I getting into things I knew I’ll never have the strength to get myself out of?
Why is it that in the back of my mind I know it could kill me yet I have no desire to stop?
Why don’t I believe in myself anymore?
What can’t I fathom the idea of not being lonely?
Why do I wander, always lost, always confused?
Why are my insecurities the loudest voices in my head?
Why am I loosing so much weight? The scale read 145 last month and tells me 117 this morning, is it defective or am I?
Impulses of destructive behavior and comfort only in despair. Vulnerability disguised as rage and aggression. Misunderstood. always. i’m used to the knott in my throat. Exhausting routines and lonesome nights . i live in my head. Leave the darkness and turmoil and seclude them to the depths of my mind. Ill continue on and learn to live with it all. Let my lungs burn, my heart break, and my mind deteriorate. I’d rather die young anyway. fluent in deception. good at giving up. I think I run great lengths then realize I was just jogging in place. So this is it. I’ve tried too hard at everything my whole life, and I’ve gained nothing from it.
Try for what?
fuck it .. hope in nothing.
my faith is entirely gone.
fuck fate for always letting me down.
And fuck every god I’ve ever believed in for abandoning me.
I’m that lost sheep they speak of huh?
I got it wrong though you see naively I thought my Shepard would find me, but he never bothered to look.
So maybe it means I’m not worth it.
So don’t waste your time.
Don’t look for me.
You won’t find me.
It’s too late and I don’t care.